sooner surrender...

I've hit a streak lately where I have been writing a lot. A lot about surrender. Let me explain...

On Sunday nights at my church, our college group meets for a time of Bible study and just to get together. At the end of our time we shared some things on our hearts and closed in prayer. Earlier that week God had really shown me some things about my life. Really an eye opening experience that humbled me a lot. As I was driving home from my mom's birthday dinner (in my new car) I was thinking and praying. Talking to God about my insecurities, my faults, my failures. Just poaring out my heart to someone I knew wouldn't judge me. I have really been struggling with a sin that I thought I would have...or at least admit to having in my life. It is one of the big ten! It is a sin that no one really admits to because it is such a prevolent part in our society.

...Before you go racking your brain as to what I could have possibly done...I'll go ahead and tell you that it was the sin of coveting. And you thought it was something terrible...but...SIN IS SIN!

Growing up we never really had much...but my parents did a heck of a lot more than they we capable of doing just to make us feel special. I have always been the type of guy that wants the latest and greatest of any and everything. Working in a high end men's clothing store didn't help matters either (but I am very thankful for a job!). I see and deal with customers everyday that have more money than they know what to do with and I struggle with making sure I have enough to eat. Basically saying that my faith was weak and my trust in God was very weak...

I felt like I had wasted this year at school, gone through so many phases in my life in such a short time, struggle (and still do) with what I want to be when I grow up...if I ever decide to and a ton of other things. I am going back to school at Anderson University in the fall, but still felt empty. There was an emptyness inside of me that I knew no one else could fill. I had no direction in my life, by my own power and I just felt like I was back at square one. I feared everything in my life and every decision I was making was wrong. So finally I just lost it...

As I was driving home Saturday night from my mom's birthday dinner I was praying, like I mentioned before. Then something hit me and I know that it was God smacking me in the back of the head and saying...
"What is all of this worth eternally? Nothing you have now can go to the grave with you! Why are you so worried about how other people percieve you? It is taking over your life! GET A GRIP KELLAN!!! TRUST ME!!!! I CAN HANDLE IT!!!! QUIT ACTING LIKE I CAN'T!!!" Immediately I started crying and just asking God what could I do...I had nothing left to give or do. And God replied..."give it up." That was it. But...I couldn't do it. It was eating me alive and all day Sunday it kept replaying in my head.

Finally Sunday night it came to a head...a great friend of mine said something that I know was God speaking through him to me. He was in a round-about way experiencing the same problem I was...surrender. He finally surrendered to the ministry after really fighting it, but I know that it was God's way of using other people to get to me. Long story short...I broke down to our college small group and asked for prayer and told them about my sin. Told them my feelings of uncertainty, my pain, my frustration. How uncertainty is my greatest fear. How I felt alone and totally blindsighted by life. How I felt like I was right back at square one not knowing anything anymore. But I still couldn't give it up. It was later that evening that I finally surrendered.

Surrendered my pain, my feelings of uncertainty, my frustration, my finances, my coveting, everything surrendered to God. It was such a sweet release...

Now...it is an everyday battle. I surrender everyday. Everything I have is His because He is mine. I know my future is ok. I know my feelings of uncertainty are ok. I know my finances are ok. Everything is His. Everything...

So I guess my challenge to you is just surrender. I know that you are struggling with things in your own life that if you just give up and surrender...it will all be ok. I promise. I speak from experience. But...I have to warn you. It is an everyday journey and I am along for the ride too. Everyday is something new and different, but my faith is getting stronger again...

surrender. the sooner the better.

until next time...