I've hit a streak lately where I have been writing a lot. A lot about surrender. Let me explain...
On Sunday nights at my church, our college group meets for a time of Bible study and just to get together. At the end of our time we shared some things on our hearts and closed in prayer. Earlier that week God had really shown me some things about my life. Really an eye opening experience that humbled me a lot. As I was driving home from my mom's birthday dinner (in my new car) I was thinking and praying. Talking to God about my insecurities, my faults, my failures. Just poaring out my heart to someone I knew wouldn't judge me. I have really been struggling with a sin that I thought I would have...or at least admit to having in my life. It is one of the big ten! It is a sin that no one really admits to because it is such a prevolent part in our society.
...Before you go racking your brain as to what I could have possibly done...I'll go ahead and tell you that it was the sin of coveting. And you thought it was something terrible...but...SIN IS SIN!
Growing up we never really had much...but my parents did a heck of a lot more than they we capable of doing just to make us feel special. I have always been the type of guy that wants the latest and greatest of any and everything. Working in a high end men's clothing store didn't help matters either (but I am very thankful for a job!). I see and deal with customers everyday that have more money than they know what to do with and I struggle with making sure I have enough to eat. Basically saying that my faith was weak and my trust in God was very weak...
I felt like I had wasted this year at school, gone through so many phases in my life in such a short time, struggle (and still do) with what I want to be when I grow up...if I ever decide to and a ton of other things. I am going back to school at Anderson University in the fall, but still felt empty. There was an emptyness inside of me that I knew no one else could fill. I had no direction in my life, by my own power and I just felt like I was back at square one. I feared everything in my life and every decision I was making was wrong. So finally I just lost it...
As I was driving home Saturday night from my mom's birthday dinner I was praying, like I mentioned before. Then something hit me and I know that it was God smacking me in the back of the head and saying...
"What is all of this worth eternally? Nothing you have now can go to the grave with you! Why are you so worried about how other people percieve you? It is taking over your life! GET A GRIP KELLAN!!! TRUST ME!!!! I CAN HANDLE IT!!!! QUIT ACTING LIKE I CAN'T!!!" Immediately I started crying and just asking God what could I do...I had nothing left to give or do. And God replied..."give it up." That was it. But...I couldn't do it. It was eating me alive and all day Sunday it kept replaying in my head.
Finally Sunday night it came to a head...a great friend of mine said something that I know was God speaking through him to me. He was in a round-about way experiencing the same problem I was...surrender. He finally surrendered to the ministry after really fighting it, but I know that it was God's way of using other people to get to me. Long story short...I broke down to our college small group and asked for prayer and told them about my sin. Told them my feelings of uncertainty, my pain, my frustration. How uncertainty is my greatest fear. How I felt alone and totally blindsighted by life. How I felt like I was right back at square one not knowing anything anymore. But I still couldn't give it up. It was later that evening that I finally surrendered.
Surrendered my pain, my feelings of uncertainty, my frustration, my finances, my coveting, everything surrendered to God. It was such a sweet release...
Now...it is an everyday battle. I surrender everyday. Everything I have is His because He is mine. I know my future is ok. I know my feelings of uncertainty are ok. I know my finances are ok. Everything is His. Everything...
So I guess my challenge to you is just surrender. I know that you are struggling with things in your own life that if you just give up and surrender...it will all be ok. I promise. I speak from experience. But...I have to warn you. It is an everyday journey and I am along for the ride too. Everyday is something new and different, but my faith is getting stronger again...
surrender. the sooner the better.
until next time...
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
humility about humility...
Have you ever caught yourself saying that you were trying to be humble about something? Think for a second...really think. Is saying you are humble really being humble? Humility is something that I struggle with in my day to day life. I mean honestly...when you look as good as I do it is really hard not to be honest with everyone and let them know how good I look. :) Seriously though...let's unpack this for a second...
So I was reading Matthew 6 tonight (mind you it is about 2 in the morning right now) and if you are in any way, shape or form familiar with that passage or have been in church at least once you know Matthew 6 is the chapter of the Bible that the infamous Lord's Prayer can be found. In 18 years of church I have neglected probably the most important and practical part of this chapter...don't get me wrong...it's all awesome and practical. But this is something so easy and yet gets looked over so much...
read the first 4 verses...
1. Be careful not to do your acts of righteousness before men to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father on heaven.
...before I go on, check this out. As I was reading this tonight (or this morning) it was like God slapped me across the face and said "YOU IDIOT LOOK AT THIS!!!" But it was a good kind of slap. :) It hit me tonight that I have been so guilty in the past of trying to be righteous and do things that I think are honoring God...but I have done them with a proud heart or tried to discreetly let people know that I am doing these things. The one that immediately came to my mind and the one I think is most prevolent in my life is titheing. So many times I have intentionally waited to fill out my envelope and check right before the plate is passed just to, in my selfish nature, let it be known to those around be what I am doing. No wonder I felt like I was missing out on God's blessings for titheing. I was doing it selfishly and pridefully! What an idiot!! A few weeks ago this finally hit me, even before I read this verse tonight. This has just reminded me of it once again. I digress...
2. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ( just re-establishes my last point). 3. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing (keep reading and I will explain) 4. so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
...alright. I will be honest...the first time I read verse 3 I was super confused. It actually took reading this at least 5 times before it began to click. In short terms, it is saying that your righteous acts, or in this case giving, should be kept secret even from your self so that you will not get a big head about what you are doing to advance the Kingdom of God. That really stuck out at me as well. Along with my struggle with humility...I have some trouble with self pride. Sometimes I think I am worth a whole lot more that I am to others. So in the instance I talked about earlier, titheing, I have to be careful not to let others see or even let myself get a huge head over what impact I think that I am making. And the best part of the whole thing? God will reward us for just doing these things with a good heart and for Him!! And we all need a good reward every now and then! :)
I guess in saying all this, the main point is that God doesn't want us to want others to see our good works for Him. God is a jealous God and wants what we do to be for Him and only Him.
Oh yeah...if you decide that you want to look this up for yourself, read the whole chapter of Matthew 6!!! It is really awesome and so practical to everything going on in our lives. It talks about fasting, living for something beyond this life, worry and judgment. Hope you enjoy and read this really cool stuff!!!!
until next time...
So I was reading Matthew 6 tonight (mind you it is about 2 in the morning right now) and if you are in any way, shape or form familiar with that passage or have been in church at least once you know Matthew 6 is the chapter of the Bible that the infamous Lord's Prayer can be found. In 18 years of church I have neglected probably the most important and practical part of this chapter...don't get me wrong...it's all awesome and practical. But this is something so easy and yet gets looked over so much...
read the first 4 verses...
1. Be careful not to do your acts of righteousness before men to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father on heaven.
...before I go on, check this out. As I was reading this tonight (or this morning) it was like God slapped me across the face and said "YOU IDIOT LOOK AT THIS!!!" But it was a good kind of slap. :) It hit me tonight that I have been so guilty in the past of trying to be righteous and do things that I think are honoring God...but I have done them with a proud heart or tried to discreetly let people know that I am doing these things. The one that immediately came to my mind and the one I think is most prevolent in my life is titheing. So many times I have intentionally waited to fill out my envelope and check right before the plate is passed just to, in my selfish nature, let it be known to those around be what I am doing. No wonder I felt like I was missing out on God's blessings for titheing. I was doing it selfishly and pridefully! What an idiot!! A few weeks ago this finally hit me, even before I read this verse tonight. This has just reminded me of it once again. I digress...
2. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ( just re-establishes my last point). 3. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing (keep reading and I will explain) 4. so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
...alright. I will be honest...the first time I read verse 3 I was super confused. It actually took reading this at least 5 times before it began to click. In short terms, it is saying that your righteous acts, or in this case giving, should be kept secret even from your self so that you will not get a big head about what you are doing to advance the Kingdom of God. That really stuck out at me as well. Along with my struggle with humility...I have some trouble with self pride. Sometimes I think I am worth a whole lot more that I am to others. So in the instance I talked about earlier, titheing, I have to be careful not to let others see or even let myself get a huge head over what impact I think that I am making. And the best part of the whole thing? God will reward us for just doing these things with a good heart and for Him!! And we all need a good reward every now and then! :)
I guess in saying all this, the main point is that God doesn't want us to want others to see our good works for Him. God is a jealous God and wants what we do to be for Him and only Him.
Oh yeah...if you decide that you want to look this up for yourself, read the whole chapter of Matthew 6!!! It is really awesome and so practical to everything going on in our lives. It talks about fasting, living for something beyond this life, worry and judgment. Hope you enjoy and read this really cool stuff!!!!
until next time...
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